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Difference between the female and male orgasm!!

International Technique
There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the fockin' roof everytime."
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Grip
What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.
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Bad Elbow
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think I'll go and see my Doctor!" His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at Boots (the Chemist) that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your piss and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with urine, went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample and the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his money. After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:

YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE F*CKED,GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP W@NKING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
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Confucius
Confucius say:
  • Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
  • Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
  • He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
  • Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
  • Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
  • Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
  • Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
  • Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
  • Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
  • Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
  • Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
  • Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
  • Modern house without toilet uncanny.
  • Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
  • Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
  • Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
  • Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth.
  • Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
  • Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?
  • Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
  • Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
  • Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
  • Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
  • Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
  • Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
  • Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
  • Man who fights with wife all day, gets no peace at night.
  • Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
  • Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
  • Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
  • Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
  • Girls should not marry basketball players, they dribble before they shoot.
  • Woman who flies upside down have crack up.
  • He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

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Blonde Revenge
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I dunno, I thought YOU were watching!"
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Benefits of Exercise?
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home costing £5000 per month.

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost anything. Apparently you have to show up.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
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Gay Bar
Three things not to say in a gay bar:
"Bottoms up!"
"Fuck me!"
and
Can someone push my stool in?"
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Stutter
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub, they all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman, "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui........"
Then the Scotsman tries, "Th th th th th th th th th th th........."

"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..." says the Englishman.
"Threeee p p p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui........" the Irishman tries.
Then the Scotsman tries again, "Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th.............."

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
"Where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then,right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out, "...............D D D D D Derry!!"
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Smart Kid
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself"
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Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vely bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
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Essex Boys - Best Bullshitters About!
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex!"
The boy replied, "No sh*t!? Who did she play for?"
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Golf Partners
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little housekeeping money that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she was also knickerless!!! The Irish man was livid, and furiously demanded a reason for her lack of underwear.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little house-keeping money that I cannot afford to buy underwear."
With that, the Irish man delved into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed tree root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that she too had no knickers on!!! Her explanation to her angry spouse was the same as the others: a lack of housekeeping money. The Scottish man put his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
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